Woody Allen

"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."

"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune."

"Eighty percent of success is showing up."

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying."

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?"

"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland."

"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."

"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."

"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

"I took a speed-reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia."

"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."